Listen up because I really only want to say this one time. The year is 2011, I am just a year and 9 months shy of my 40th birthday and I am finally at a place in my life where it's kind of like "to hell with all the crap". I am who I am, I am tired of making apologies for who I used to be, should be, hope to be, will never be ect. So you don't like who I am, that's obvious but guess what, you don't even know who I am, you've never taken the time to know me, you simply know an aspect of me and drew your own conclusion from whatever impression I first gave you, once upon a time.
I pity the fact that you seem not to realize that each human being is a work in progress, evolving, changing, growing, learning. At least I certainly hope that that is what this journey is about since I've worked so hard on achieving all of the above. I used to hope and wonder and wish that one day you'd want to know who I really am and see the woman I have become but alas that is not the cards either of us has been dealt and I've suddenly come to realize that in fact it is not my loss. I would say it's not my loss but yours but I can't really say that because the truth that we must both see is that you can't lose something you never had to begin with. You can not possibly understand what you've lost in knowing me since you haven't known me (or the me that I am today) and I can not say I've lost your friendship since I never really had that either.
My most basic feeling, drawn down to it's lowest denominator is that today January 4, 2011 is the day when I stop giving a crap about people in life who have proven themselves repeatedly to be without merit or undeserving of a second thought. You are who you are, no changing that and I am who I am and I wouldn't change me for anyone. I am sorry that for whatever reason I don't meet your expectations, but once again in my perspective it's not really me who is flawed but your expectations of me. I used to beat myself up so much by trying to be what everyone else wanted, by trying to make people happy, by trying to be diplomatic and to be completely blunt, I'm really tired of it. It seems to me, the more I've tried to please others the less they've cared about trying to ensure that I am happy and satisfied. I have broken my back to be accommodating, respectful and thoughtful.
In the end, the last thing I'd like to impart in this lengthy rant-like blog is this: I refuse to any longer take that which is less that I deserve and I expect to have the respect I have earned. I will treat you with the kindness and consideration you deserve but I will not allow myself to be treated as less just so that you can feel like more. This is MY life and I'm damn well going to live it as I see fit.
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