Life... what a strange thing it is.

Sometimes I can't help but sit back and sort of shake my head at the happenings that go on in my world. It really comes at no surprise that most of us spend our lives, confused, running in circles, trying to find the meaning to our lives. Things change on a dime, going from good to bad, bad to good, bad to worse, good to phenomenal. I mean seriously have you ever pondered why there are SO MANY words to describe the mood you're in, for that matter how many emoticons there are to try to express that huge myriad of emotions. Not only are there so many words to describe our emotions, but we can also tend to use words without care or caution to describe things. For instance, "I love you" 3 important words in our society the word love expressing extreme care and devotion and then we can also say "Oh I LOVE this outfit" I mean really?

Military spouses

Oftentimes, I will watch the news or head onto news websites and inevitably after watching/reading for any length of time there will be a story that will particularly rankle my sensibilities. People, meaning bloggers/politicians/reporters will often use our military as "talking points" or even "props", painting them with a broad brush. Sometimes they can be characterized as dangerous, violent, stupid, criminal, crazy other times as disadvantaged, minority, uneducated, unskilled, the poor kid who joined just for college money, the guy who joined just because he wanted to provide for his family ect. Still others might remember that they are patriots, self sacrificing, called to a higher cause than themselves, Americans who volunteered to serve their country. To me, my husband is my personal hero, I find him amazing and incredible, I love him beyond measure. He is none of the negative stereotypes listed above and he is not a talking point or prop. If the worst case scenario ever happened to our family, I feel it is no one's business to put his name on a placard or sign or use his image as a means of furthering their political agenda or ideology. Further I believe that while in a theater of war military members become public figures whose picture smoking a cigarette, or comforting a child or sleeping in a tent might be pictured on the front page of any webpage or newspaper around the world, I believe that in death they should be allowed to have peace, dignity and privacy, it should not be a place for protesting, but apparently the Supreme Court disagrees with me on that issue.

One day in the near future, my husband will retire, our lives will go on. He will become a shoe salesman or a truck driver, or a manager or whatever it is he chooses to become. I will find other things to focus on, no I don't think I'll ever truly be silenced in speaking about how I feel regarding military issues. I am sure I will continue to make my random appearances on news sites to voice my opinions on the goings on in the world and my perspective on the military. I will likely continue coming to their defense even if my attempt is just some feeble ramblings on a computer page. What I ask is this, when the day comes that I have to add the word "former" to my title of military spouse, that the young women coming up through the ranks of the military wifedom now, the ones who are currently earning their deployment stripes, their invaluable "Valor on the homefront" medals, that these woman whose job is so very important to the men they are supporting will take up the torch. Speak out ladies, let your voices be heard, support our men in uniform, help people understand their misconceptions. I am excited at the prospect of never again having to worry about whether he'll come home and inform me of another field op, school, strange duty station, or deployment. I look forward to the day when I do not have to comfort and explain to children why daddy has to go or can't come back for a birthday, performance, graduation, first day of school, Christmas ect. It thrills me to accept the mundane, the day to day, having most dinners together with our children and having the support of a loving spouse with me more often than not. That sounds like absolute bliss!!! But it is also important to me to encourage the young military spouses of today.

I would like to tell all of you women who are halfway through a career or even just 5 years into a career that I promise it will go by faster than you can imagine. Grab every moment, make the most of each experience, embrace the strange duty station. Be patient and understanding, rest in the knowledge that your husband knows and appreciates your sacrifice even when it might seem like no one else notices or cares. Go to every military ball you are able to attend, make use of base services. Ask questions and try to understand your husband's job, it will make it easier for you to understand when he needs to vent to you.  

My mind's eye....

Sometimes when I'm waiting for sleep I can see you, naked upon the ground, black hair hanging freely to your waist as you sit upon and are wrapped within a blanket dark as night and covered in sparkling stars. If not for the moonlight I wouldn't even be able to discern you in your solitude of the forest that surrounds you. I wish I knew who you were. Why you are naked or even how I know that you are. What is this blanket you are using and how does it look so much like you are really surrounded by nothing but night sky? I tentatively whisper a hello in the night but you don't look at me, you don't even acknowledge my presence. Why are you here? What are you doing? Who are you?

A friend of mine has "the void", for me it's the forest.

Even without knowing, your presence is calming if lonely, it is peaceful if detached, it's communal even though it seems closed off. Maybe someday I will understand it's meaning.

The magic of the car ride.

So here I am cruising down the freeway or taking my children to and from school or any number of other reasons I have to be driving my car and it occurs to me, I wonder how the heck I look to other drivers around me. Sometimes for those minutes, no matter how brief, I forget, perhaps through the wonder of traveling at speed, that being in a car does not in fact mean that people can not see me. Am I being overly paranoid, perhaps but at the same token it amuses me to think of the number of times I've sat in the car and started randomly dancing to some song I'm listening to on the radio purely to amuse my children. I'm not talking about merely be-bopping and headbanging to the beat of the music, I mean breaking out into what could be referred to as an impromptu audition for "So you think you can dance". 

Or how about the times when I was running late and had to take the kids to school while still wearing my pajama bottoms. I mean I get it as long as from mid-chest up I look okay and believe me I make sure that is true, that no one will ever know. Still it is mornings like that when I especially hope that I don't wreck and have to be transported to the hospital wearing Snoopy Red Baron pants and unmatching but appropriate to be seen shirt/hoodie combination.

And then there are the times where I am belting out the lyrics accompanying some song on the radio which I may or may not know all the words to, no doubt thinking that there's a talent scout in the car next door. Are cars sound proof? I certainly hope so and I'm also thankful that while I love singing along to the radio that I don't generally do that with the windows rolled down. But it's not even so much the sound as much as the visual of someone singing. Maybe it's just me, but I know when I sing I get the sappy music face, the sad eyes that match the lyrics, mouth opening wide to hit the high or sustained notes throughout the song ect. Those are the moments I really wonder what people see when they find me behind them at a stoplight. Seriously, think about it, how many times have you accidentally noticed that the couple in the car over at a stoplight have every body sign of being in an argument, maybe you can even see the argument happening. Perhaps you've seen worse, someone picking their nose or naked from the waist down or God only knows what else. 

In closing and perhaps as a public service, I would like to remind everyone that being in a vehicle does not render you invisible... just my thoughts. =)

Is Romance Dead?

Sometimes I sit and I think about the word "Romance" and what it means. If you were to google romance and click on images you would find yourself bombarded by images of kissing or hearts or scenery and even some music artists such as My Chemical Romance or Lady Gaga ala Bad Romance. But what is real romance? How can we honestly define it? And what is the difference between romance and passion/lust. Let's explore this thought process. Now first off let me clarify that these are my feelings on the topic and everyone has their own idea on the subject, what may or may not be romantic to me will fulfill that definition for another I am sure . 

From childhood, men and women both are given a certain expectation with regard to romance. Men are often portrayed in media as being mostly clueless until one major light bulb moment sets them straight for life. Girls are given their expectation of meaningful romance by Disney-esque fairytales which for the most part (although changing recently) have them waiting to be rescued from their lives by some handsome hero. Then there are romantic comedies and movies/books such as the recent fascination with the Twilight series. It is easily very confusing to be a teenager of either gender and know what is expected of you in your romantic endeavors. We can accept as fact that the aliens, monsters, zombies ect. out of movies are not real and yet we can also hold out idle hope that one day our husband/wife will watch, read or listen to Oprah enough to realize we need candles and teddy bears and lingerie ect ect ect, to fulfill us romantically.  We can imagine our significant other filling our beds with rose petals or creating for us a romantic dinner setting complete with thousands of white lights hanging neatly above our heads and a string quartet serenading us. And scarily getting back to Twilight, some youngsters might get the idea that obsession and possessiveness somehow equate to romance. 

I honestly believe there are some things that are almost universally considered unromantic such as bodily functions, neediness, lack of confidence, weakness, uber-emotionality. There are also those things that are nearly universal in their appeal and romantic potential, confidence, strength, playfulness, thoughtfulness, compassion, passion. Passion is SEXY but I think sometimes people get their wires crossed and think passion=sex=romance, that just isn't so. Romance by it's definition is something deeper than a sexual meeting of bodies, it's something much more emotional, something founded more deeply in areas of the heart than some  thrust against the wall, on the counter top, on the kitchen table, devil may care encounter out of Fatal Attraction or Basic Instinct.

I sometimes have to remind myself that if you think you're missing out in romance in life that perhaps you're not reading your significant others signs. For instance my significant other is not the type to build up some kind of romantic fantasy he saw in a movie once. He is generally just not the romantic type to oooh and ahh over some sweet sentiment in a movie or love song. His romantic gestures to me are taking care of me, making sure I have coffee waiting for me in the morning, washing the dishes, making sure the oil is changed in the car, anything that makes my life easier, those are his love letters. Sometimes I have to ask myself is it worth it to get upset over the lack of overt romantic signs such as roses and boxes of candy. 

I heard something once , that love isn't just an emotion it's a choice, some days you love your partner without effort and sometimes you choose to love them in spite of your emotions at the time. I think romance is sometimes that way as well. Sometimes you have to choose to change your perspective and see the wonder and love performed not by actors on a screen but by those who are closest to us.

Listen up...

Listen up because I really only want to say this one time. The year is 2011, I am just a year and 9 months shy of my 40th birthday and I am finally at a place in my life where it's kind of like "to hell with all the crap". I am who I am, I am tired of making apologies for who I used to be, should be, hope to be, will never be ect. So you don't like who I am, that's obvious but guess what, you don't even know who I am, you've never taken the time to know me, you simply know an aspect of me and drew your own conclusion from whatever impression I first gave you, once upon a time.

I pity the fact that you seem not to realize that each human being is a work in progress, evolving, changing, growing, learning. At least I certainly hope that that is what this journey is about since I've worked so hard on achieving all of the above. I used to hope and wonder and wish that one day you'd want to know who I really am and see the woman I have become but alas that is not the cards either of us has been dealt and I've suddenly come to realize that in fact it is not my loss. I would say it's not my loss but yours but I can't really say that because the truth that we must both see is that you can't lose something you never had to begin with. You can not possibly understand what you've lost in knowing me since you haven't known me (or the me that I am today) and I can not say I've lost your friendship since I never really had that either.

My most basic feeling, drawn down to it's lowest denominator is that today January 4, 2011 is the day when I stop giving a crap about people in life who have proven themselves repeatedly to be without merit or undeserving of a second thought. You are who you are, no changing that and I am who I am and I wouldn't change me for anyone. I am sorry that for whatever reason I don't meet your expectations, but once again in my perspective it's not really me who is flawed but your expectations of me. I used to beat myself up so much by trying to be what everyone else wanted, by trying to make people happy, by trying to be diplomatic and to be completely blunt, I'm really tired of it. It seems to me, the more I've tried to please others the less they've cared about trying to ensure that I am happy and satisfied. I have broken my back to be accommodating, respectful and thoughtful.

In the end, the last thing I'd like to impart in this lengthy rant-like blog is this: I refuse to any longer take that which is less that I deserve and I expect to have the respect I have earned. I will treat you with the kindness and consideration you deserve but I will not allow myself to be treated as less just so that you can feel like more. This is MY life and I'm damn well going to live it as I see fit.

In the eye of the beholder.......

He has made everything beautiful in His time.

From the time of our births we are given cues to beauty even at a time when we don't have concept of language and comprehension of it's definitions. How many times have we seen the mother/father or been the mother/father who comforts a child with, "Aww, come here pretty baby" or some such variation. As children we will readily accept that we are beautiful when we are told we are, for example how many times have you complimented a child, yours or otherwise by calling them pretty or beautiful only to hear their response of "I know"?

So those of us who have suffered with some form of self esteem issue, one has to ask the question where does this come from. Movies, magazines, real world relationships, experience, time, cynicism, I think these all play a part of how we become detached from our previous belief in ourselves. I don't need to point out or illustrate my point too much with regard to what we see daily on our televisions, in movies and in magazines (and I'm not talking about Playboy or even Maxim here), we all know the messages these media influences send our girls and ourselves. We have Disney Princesses and Barbies and more recently Bratz dolls to help guide our daughters to reach the feeling of never measuring up an ideal and that's just the beginning of it.

I grew up 'the fat kid', I experienced any number of humiliating situations due to my classmates and the bullies at my school. I was picked on mercilessly, faux married to a boy just as unpopular as I was just because his name rhymed with mine and threatened to be beat up everyday after school. I was even sent to the principal's office because I was purposely and falsely accused to calling another girl swear words at a time when I would never have dared such behavior. These experiences aren't unique and I am not asking to be pitied merely painting a picture of things that can happen to people to rip off that mask that everything is perfect and they are beautiful as they are. As I grew older having to deal with all the boys I had crushes on not wanting anything to do with me or even ridiculing me was painful. My freshman year of high school I even had a boy ask me to be his girlfriend on a bet, I thought I would die of embarrassment but instead I would pour out my feelings into bad poetry and listen to heavy metal and make lots of really bad choices.

Bad choices can be just as damaging as having to endure taunts from your peers because then you turn inward and point at yourself and laugh at the fool you are while at the same time collapsing in tears. This for me was another bar to me ever seeing my own beauty whether it was exterior or interior. I went through a stage in my mid-late teens where I just didn't care or least let on as though I didn't. I broke hearts, I was wild, I acted with abandon and unafraid of the consequences but all actions have consequences and I paid for them in self esteem. Self loathing was a friend of mine.

Then there comes relationships and how we behave in them as well as how we're treated. I know that I had to see parts of myself that I would have rather stayed in some dark corner of a locked closet in the basement of my soul and when you have to acknowledge the lowest part of yourself it's generally a good tool we can use against ourselves to convince us we're unworthy of compliments and love and what is good in life. But there is also the influence of others upon us, the old tapes of our love lives, the things that echo in our minds in the dark when we can't sleep. They can follow us from relationship to relationship and God forbid we hear the same thing from the next relationship ect.

But here is where I want to change the direction of this blog. There is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that states, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" I would like to broaden this idea by saying, No one can make you feel beautiful and loved and worthy without your consent either. In therapy I was told I would not be able to be loved by others until I loved myself. It sounded crazy, how is it possible to love yourself without the validation and acceptance of others, I didn't understand it. But it is so true, God created us in his image and if you are a believer, how can you not see that we all possess beauty if only in the portion of us that mirrors our creator. We are the ones who hold the true key to beauty, google the word beauty and click on images, why are there so many different images show? Because truly beauty lies in the eye of the beholder and once you give yourself permission to see the beauty that lies inside yourself you can be able to accept what others see in you.

If you don't find that persuading enough for you I will leave you with these final thoughts. Exterior beauty is fading but what is inside has the potential to grow throughout your lifetime. If you want to workout your physique to make yourself beautiful on the outside that is healthy and good but do not neglect what is on the inside because being comfortable in your own skin and letting the world know by the way you treat yourself, that you are worthy and good is the best way to feel beautiful just being you. Be the beautiful person you want to be by giving beauty to those around you.