The magic of the car ride.

So here I am cruising down the freeway or taking my children to and from school or any number of other reasons I have to be driving my car and it occurs to me, I wonder how the heck I look to other drivers around me. Sometimes for those minutes, no matter how brief, I forget, perhaps through the wonder of traveling at speed, that being in a car does not in fact mean that people can not see me. Am I being overly paranoid, perhaps but at the same token it amuses me to think of the number of times I've sat in the car and started randomly dancing to some song I'm listening to on the radio purely to amuse my children. I'm not talking about merely be-bopping and headbanging to the beat of the music, I mean breaking out into what could be referred to as an impromptu audition for "So you think you can dance". 

Or how about the times when I was running late and had to take the kids to school while still wearing my pajama bottoms. I mean I get it as long as from mid-chest up I look okay and believe me I make sure that is true, that no one will ever know. Still it is mornings like that when I especially hope that I don't wreck and have to be transported to the hospital wearing Snoopy Red Baron pants and unmatching but appropriate to be seen shirt/hoodie combination.

And then there are the times where I am belting out the lyrics accompanying some song on the radio which I may or may not know all the words to, no doubt thinking that there's a talent scout in the car next door. Are cars sound proof? I certainly hope so and I'm also thankful that while I love singing along to the radio that I don't generally do that with the windows rolled down. But it's not even so much the sound as much as the visual of someone singing. Maybe it's just me, but I know when I sing I get the sappy music face, the sad eyes that match the lyrics, mouth opening wide to hit the high or sustained notes throughout the song ect. Those are the moments I really wonder what people see when they find me behind them at a stoplight. Seriously, think about it, how many times have you accidentally noticed that the couple in the car over at a stoplight have every body sign of being in an argument, maybe you can even see the argument happening. Perhaps you've seen worse, someone picking their nose or naked from the waist down or God only knows what else. 

In closing and perhaps as a public service, I would like to remind everyone that being in a vehicle does not render you invisible... just my thoughts. =)

Is Romance Dead?

Sometimes I sit and I think about the word "Romance" and what it means. If you were to google romance and click on images you would find yourself bombarded by images of kissing or hearts or scenery and even some music artists such as My Chemical Romance or Lady Gaga ala Bad Romance. But what is real romance? How can we honestly define it? And what is the difference between romance and passion/lust. Let's explore this thought process. Now first off let me clarify that these are my feelings on the topic and everyone has their own idea on the subject, what may or may not be romantic to me will fulfill that definition for another I am sure . 

From childhood, men and women both are given a certain expectation with regard to romance. Men are often portrayed in media as being mostly clueless until one major light bulb moment sets them straight for life. Girls are given their expectation of meaningful romance by Disney-esque fairytales which for the most part (although changing recently) have them waiting to be rescued from their lives by some handsome hero. Then there are romantic comedies and movies/books such as the recent fascination with the Twilight series. It is easily very confusing to be a teenager of either gender and know what is expected of you in your romantic endeavors. We can accept as fact that the aliens, monsters, zombies ect. out of movies are not real and yet we can also hold out idle hope that one day our husband/wife will watch, read or listen to Oprah enough to realize we need candles and teddy bears and lingerie ect ect ect, to fulfill us romantically.  We can imagine our significant other filling our beds with rose petals or creating for us a romantic dinner setting complete with thousands of white lights hanging neatly above our heads and a string quartet serenading us. And scarily getting back to Twilight, some youngsters might get the idea that obsession and possessiveness somehow equate to romance. 

I honestly believe there are some things that are almost universally considered unromantic such as bodily functions, neediness, lack of confidence, weakness, uber-emotionality. There are also those things that are nearly universal in their appeal and romantic potential, confidence, strength, playfulness, thoughtfulness, compassion, passion. Passion is SEXY but I think sometimes people get their wires crossed and think passion=sex=romance, that just isn't so. Romance by it's definition is something deeper than a sexual meeting of bodies, it's something much more emotional, something founded more deeply in areas of the heart than some  thrust against the wall, on the counter top, on the kitchen table, devil may care encounter out of Fatal Attraction or Basic Instinct.

I sometimes have to remind myself that if you think you're missing out in romance in life that perhaps you're not reading your significant others signs. For instance my significant other is not the type to build up some kind of romantic fantasy he saw in a movie once. He is generally just not the romantic type to oooh and ahh over some sweet sentiment in a movie or love song. His romantic gestures to me are taking care of me, making sure I have coffee waiting for me in the morning, washing the dishes, making sure the oil is changed in the car, anything that makes my life easier, those are his love letters. Sometimes I have to ask myself is it worth it to get upset over the lack of overt romantic signs such as roses and boxes of candy. 

I heard something once , that love isn't just an emotion it's a choice, some days you love your partner without effort and sometimes you choose to love them in spite of your emotions at the time. I think romance is sometimes that way as well. Sometimes you have to choose to change your perspective and see the wonder and love performed not by actors on a screen but by those who are closest to us.

Listen up...

Listen up because I really only want to say this one time. The year is 2011, I am just a year and 9 months shy of my 40th birthday and I am finally at a place in my life where it's kind of like "to hell with all the crap". I am who I am, I am tired of making apologies for who I used to be, should be, hope to be, will never be ect. So you don't like who I am, that's obvious but guess what, you don't even know who I am, you've never taken the time to know me, you simply know an aspect of me and drew your own conclusion from whatever impression I first gave you, once upon a time.

I pity the fact that you seem not to realize that each human being is a work in progress, evolving, changing, growing, learning. At least I certainly hope that that is what this journey is about since I've worked so hard on achieving all of the above. I used to hope and wonder and wish that one day you'd want to know who I really am and see the woman I have become but alas that is not the cards either of us has been dealt and I've suddenly come to realize that in fact it is not my loss. I would say it's not my loss but yours but I can't really say that because the truth that we must both see is that you can't lose something you never had to begin with. You can not possibly understand what you've lost in knowing me since you haven't known me (or the me that I am today) and I can not say I've lost your friendship since I never really had that either.

My most basic feeling, drawn down to it's lowest denominator is that today January 4, 2011 is the day when I stop giving a crap about people in life who have proven themselves repeatedly to be without merit or undeserving of a second thought. You are who you are, no changing that and I am who I am and I wouldn't change me for anyone. I am sorry that for whatever reason I don't meet your expectations, but once again in my perspective it's not really me who is flawed but your expectations of me. I used to beat myself up so much by trying to be what everyone else wanted, by trying to make people happy, by trying to be diplomatic and to be completely blunt, I'm really tired of it. It seems to me, the more I've tried to please others the less they've cared about trying to ensure that I am happy and satisfied. I have broken my back to be accommodating, respectful and thoughtful.

In the end, the last thing I'd like to impart in this lengthy rant-like blog is this: I refuse to any longer take that which is less that I deserve and I expect to have the respect I have earned. I will treat you with the kindness and consideration you deserve but I will not allow myself to be treated as less just so that you can feel like more. This is MY life and I'm damn well going to live it as I see fit.