Blah blah blah ect

Blah, that's how I feel tonight pretty much blah, it's been a couple of days since I spoke to my husband, which is fine actually more fine than I'm used to. I've become accustomed to not being able to speak to him sometimes upwards of 2 weeks at a time. I can't even remember the last time I heard his voice. I've kind of been bummed the last couple of days. I'm not really sure what it's about. I even got out today with the kids and walked around shopping with them for almost 4 hours (not that I bought anything) but normally just getting out and doing things even the mundane things like shopping will help to keep your mind occupied and your attitude in a good place. And I also find myself hating people again... I mean almost all people.

I think my feelings started a couple of days ago but were reinforced by a conversation I had with my daughter last night. She was talking to me about her school friends and how they had done some stuff to her that embarrassed her and made her generally unhappy. I then went on to talk about several of my experiences growing up and how sometimes even our closest friends will do stuff that hurt us. It's an unfortunate part of life and she specifically is in a difficult 3 way friendship which in my experience can be tricky to navigate.

Also, I think I'm kind of bummed by how it seems that people over look me. And I really hate to write about this because it sounds so pathetically poor me that it's just sad. First of all, my sister in-law hasn't called here even for one of the children's birthdays or to ask about her brother's deployment once in over 5 months of deployment. The last time I spoke with her was when I called at Christmas time to wish her and the family a Merry Christmas. She's also failed to email or return my calls or even say anything on facebook. I don't get it, I've never done a thing to her and at the risk of sounding slightly jealous, I don't understand why she's so obviously in love with her husband's sister but could give a crap about my children, me or even her own brother especially since she only has the 1 sibling.

It's the same thing with people I'd call friends or who I suppose I wish would be friends, maybe that's the bare naked truth, maybe I really don't have very many friends. I don't really have many people I can open up to, perhaps 2 people in the entire world excluding my husband. I think I've always wondered what it is about me that makes me so forgettable. Even when I tried to tell my father in-law about how his son was doing, he sort of gaffed me off and said it'll get better when he's home. I hate to say it but WTF?!?! Why do I live in a world where no one gives a shit? I think/hope that I am a caring person who gives off positive vibes but honestly I'm getting to a place where I don't give a crap and I'd rather just say to hell with everyone than to bother trying anymore.

I was so thrilled to be moving back to this base because 4 years ago when I had last lived here I had met a phenomenal woman who had come to mean a lot to me. We maintained our friendship even from across the states, not talking daily but speaking every few months. She was thrilled or seeming so that I was moving back. Oh you've got to meet all the other girls she'd say, we're having a Twilight party, watching the movie and drinking bloody marys I can't wait until you're here and you can take part in the next one.... on and on this way it went. I want to introduce you to so and so, you have so much in common she's going to love you. What's the point of all of this? She's never once called me since I moved here and gave her my new numbers. She's invited me over once like 2 months ago and when I tried to reschedule for the following week or the week after that she just says we'll plan it another time. Once again not even an email or facebook message, nada, ziltch, nothing. And I know I'm saying what she hasn't done, believe me I've tried to call, I've tried not to seem too needy, I've tried to space it out. I've tried to send messages on facebook or whatever. I'm just at a place in my life where I don't want to have to stalk my friends and beg for their friendship. Shouldn't I as a person be worthy of pursuing on my own merit?

I'm sick to death of people, my aunt who calls to rant drunkenly and scream incoherently on the phone. My mother who calls to bitch and whine about her issues or give unsolicited advice without bothering to take the time to listen to me. My oldest brother who only calls to tell me how I should be there for other family members going through crisis but seems not to care overly much about how I or the children are doing ourselves. I love how my brother is so concerned and worried over my cousin who's husband is deployed.... HELLO??? remember me, I never saw you so concerned over me in the past or even now... oh poor her. WOW! I'm always the great listener, the great advice giver, I guess I'm just not that interesting when I'm the one with the problems or the sob stories to tell.

I feel like I can't cut a break. I feel like I'm drifting on the wind and being left to hang out to dry in it. I don't know, but I know me and I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to live in the dark so I know I'll find my light eventually.