Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Inappropriate laughter...
So here's my story, my husband sent an email one night telling me that I should get my oldest daughter and watch the video of the song "Home Again" by Queensryche. It's a beautiful song and quite touching, it made our daughter cry. It's a duet sung from the perspective of the military member and their daughter during a deployment. The video is also very emotional with actual photos from service members. Anyway, it's funny how many songs will bring you to tears during deployment. I remember right before Xmas break I was driving the children to school one morning when the radio DJ played a song called "Dear Santa" about a little girl asking Santa to bring her father home on his sleigh for Christmas. Talk about tears, and then it didn't help that both of my younger 2 children latched onto that song and would sing it around the house. Also during that local broadcast, because we live near to a base there was inserted into the actual song, snipets from overseas from actual service members wishing their families back home a Merry Christmas, so at the risk of crashing your car through your tears you wouldn't dare change the radio station JUST IN CASE! ;)
After giving you all the background, I will now explain the title of this post. We've listened to these types of songs a lot, even break up songs remind us of how much we miss our father/husband. So imagine my utter astonishment when while playing the above mentioned "Home Again" for my kids today, I burst into nearly uncontrollable fits of laughter. All my children looked at me like Mom's done lost her mind! "What's so funny?" my oldest inquired but I was too busy with my giggle fit to be able to respond.
Finally it hit me how wrong it was to be laughing (not that that made me stop), I was laughing at the lyrics to the song and how much they sort of didn't match the person for whom we were listening to it in the first place. Much as I love my husband, I think he'd be the first to admit to you that he isn't exactly the most romantic/sensitive soul on the planet. And one particular lyric made me completely lose it. It's where the singer says something to the effect "I'm thinking of you, making plans for when I am home" I LOVE IT.... collective AWWWWW please.
Here is my reality the first combat deployment that my husband returned from, he came back 2 days after our 5th wedding anniversary. If I have forgotten something he did for me upon his return than I owe him an apology but I don't remember even a simply bouquet of flowers. I know at that time I also presented him with a several thousand dollar check worth the money I'd been able to put away for US while he was gone. I had been hoping for a romantic getaway with him, but instead he told me that after so much traveling he just wanted to stay home. I consider myself understanding and I didn't get ticked off about it only I wish we could've had that romantic trip.
The second time my husband came home from Iraq he arrived home the day before my birthday. I considered him the biggest birthday present I could ever have hoped for or gotten, it still rankled a little that 3 days after my birthday he was insistent on going to pick up his brand new Harley Davidson he'd purchased while deployed while at the same time, failing to even run to the grocery to get me a card. More recently he was in the field for a month right before this current deployment and returned home 2 days after my birthday, once again no cake, no card.
He is the sweetest man really and I never doubt his love for me, he shows it in other areas and I could never imagine my life without him. In fact I hope this doesn't come off as a complaint because he is truly wonderful and has also done beautiful things while he's away, flowers when I've given birth with beautifully worded cards attached, balloon bouquet and singing teddy bear for our daughter's birthday ect. It just struck me as completely funny when I heard that song earlier and you know there are so many times for tears in this life and even if at times I laugh at inappropriate times, I would prefer the laughter. So thanks honey for the giggles and I apologize if they were somewhat at your expense. ;) Love you baby.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Coping, coping skills and the liar you become
I hate, detest, abhor lying! I am not wired to be a good liar, I think people can read me, those who want to take the time to anyway. But something I am coming to realize and acknowledge in my life is that people can easily see exactly what they want to see. I hear so many "atta girls" that sometimes I want to scream in frustration. At the same time, I guess all those drama classes I took in high school paid off so much so that my father in-law recently praised me for my aplomb and "exceptional thespian skills" for my seeming calm under any circumstance, including deployment. Thespian skills, this term got me thinking, it's just a fancy way of saying that I'm putting on airs and basically I've become an adept liar something I would never have thought to describe myself as.
Some days I feel like every smile is a lie. When I talk to my in-laws and paint this rosy picture of the put together woman, wife and mother, I wish that I could truly be honest and that's why I started this blog, to finally find somewhere to be real. Why is it that when you do have an opportunity or perhaps are forced to a place where you let that facade slip a little people feel the need to have an opinion about it? Recently I posted something on my facebook status about deployment plain and simply sucking. I do not regret nor do I take back that statement, it is truth, it is MY truth. But I get asinine responses that I should be grateful that my husband is doing something truly worthy with his life.
Well yeah, I am one of the proudest women you'll meet. I am full of pride for my husband knowing he sacrifices something that I could never have, that he believes in something bigger than himself and gives up so much personally for it. He has a great deal of integrity and is one of my personal heroes. That said, it still sucks!!! I love him, why wouldn't it suck that he's deployed. And I'm not some fresh married 17-18 year old, I've been at this a while, I have a right to state it when I feel the pressures of deployment weighing me down. I have birthed 2 babies during deployments. It is merely by the grace of God that my husband was able to witness our youngest child born, so yeah I think I've earned my right to complain.
So it becomes easier to simply say "I'm fine" when asked how you are because sometimes other people's commentary does far less good than they intend. The truth is I cope, one day at a time. My kids keep me busy but still I find I have far too many moments of sadness and depression and loneliness especially after going through the holidays as a single parent. And I don't say this lightly because what I hate more than anything is to sound like a whiny little wimp of a woman who can't cope. I DO cope but part of that coping is to be HONEST about what it really feels like to be me and I really need this venue to just put it out there.
Sometimes I rationalize to myself that people such as my immediate family or close personal friends can't really handle the reality of seeing me in pain or hurting, they feel they lack the words. They want to solve my problems or tell me to just look at it another way, as though I haven't tried to see my situation from every conceivable angle. I don't knock them for this, I understand it but in the same token sometimes we can't fix things, they have to work themselves out in time and sometimes all that's really needed is a shoulder and someone to lend you an ear. I understand this reluctance because I have also experienced it from the other side in different situations. As an example when my father passed away I remember wanting to talk to anyone who would listen about the difficulty of losing my father, but now sometimes when I hear someone has suffered a similar loss I find myself at a loss for words of comfort. I do try to offer a shoulder but I feel sad that my words fail me at those moments. I think human beings have a hard time dealing with the depth of pain and would much rather gloss over life and live in a blissful ignorance of other people's pain and that may be an over simplification but I just sometimes see the world that way.
So once again I am relegated to the "I'm fine" commentary, the mirthless laughter, the fake smiles and the broken heart and sadness in my soul. So thank you blog for giving me a place to write it all down without judgment.
Some days I feel like every smile is a lie. When I talk to my in-laws and paint this rosy picture of the put together woman, wife and mother, I wish that I could truly be honest and that's why I started this blog, to finally find somewhere to be real. Why is it that when you do have an opportunity or perhaps are forced to a place where you let that facade slip a little people feel the need to have an opinion about it? Recently I posted something on my facebook status about deployment plain and simply sucking. I do not regret nor do I take back that statement, it is truth, it is MY truth. But I get asinine responses that I should be grateful that my husband is doing something truly worthy with his life.
Well yeah, I am one of the proudest women you'll meet. I am full of pride for my husband knowing he sacrifices something that I could never have, that he believes in something bigger than himself and gives up so much personally for it. He has a great deal of integrity and is one of my personal heroes. That said, it still sucks!!! I love him, why wouldn't it suck that he's deployed. And I'm not some fresh married 17-18 year old, I've been at this a while, I have a right to state it when I feel the pressures of deployment weighing me down. I have birthed 2 babies during deployments. It is merely by the grace of God that my husband was able to witness our youngest child born, so yeah I think I've earned my right to complain.
So it becomes easier to simply say "I'm fine" when asked how you are because sometimes other people's commentary does far less good than they intend. The truth is I cope, one day at a time. My kids keep me busy but still I find I have far too many moments of sadness and depression and loneliness especially after going through the holidays as a single parent. And I don't say this lightly because what I hate more than anything is to sound like a whiny little wimp of a woman who can't cope. I DO cope but part of that coping is to be HONEST about what it really feels like to be me and I really need this venue to just put it out there.
Sometimes I rationalize to myself that people such as my immediate family or close personal friends can't really handle the reality of seeing me in pain or hurting, they feel they lack the words. They want to solve my problems or tell me to just look at it another way, as though I haven't tried to see my situation from every conceivable angle. I don't knock them for this, I understand it but in the same token sometimes we can't fix things, they have to work themselves out in time and sometimes all that's really needed is a shoulder and someone to lend you an ear. I understand this reluctance because I have also experienced it from the other side in different situations. As an example when my father passed away I remember wanting to talk to anyone who would listen about the difficulty of losing my father, but now sometimes when I hear someone has suffered a similar loss I find myself at a loss for words of comfort. I do try to offer a shoulder but I feel sad that my words fail me at those moments. I think human beings have a hard time dealing with the depth of pain and would much rather gloss over life and live in a blissful ignorance of other people's pain and that may be an over simplification but I just sometimes see the world that way.
So once again I am relegated to the "I'm fine" commentary, the mirthless laughter, the fake smiles and the broken heart and sadness in my soul. So thank you blog for giving me a place to write it all down without judgment.
Me vs the mouse.
Here is the blog where I try to bring everyone up to speed on this current deployment. My husband deployed for Afghanistan in October. Anyone who knows me can attest to these facts 1) I hate/am afraid of mice and 2) it never fails that when he leaves one always manages to invade my household. I have asked him repeatedly to stop giving the mice intel on his deployment schedules but that has all been in vain. Those little rodents seem to have really fantastic recon skills.
As the months started to get a bit cooler and the rains got heavy, guess what I realized I had a mouse. Well I am a woman, surely I can handle a mouse. What did I do in the past you ask? As much as I hate to admit it, my mom actually had to come help me the last time as I was nearly beside myself with anxiety. This time however I was DETERMINED that I could best a little field mouse. Thankfully I never actually saw any actual scurrying that probably would've been my undoing, I just found some shredded grocery bags and a few droppings and knew I had to catch this guy before he got into my food pantry.
So I set the traps that very night and the next morning lo and behold I heard the trap get set off, now here ensues the hilarity if it can be aptly described that way. It probably took me a full hour to get rid of the now deceased unwanted house guest. I would open my cupboard door under my kitchen sink only to see it there and slam the door shut again shaking all the way down to my toes. I went so far as to try to open the cupboard door using nothing but my fireplace poker but couldn't get adequate leverage to accomplish it. So with much ado I finally was able with the aide of the fireplace shovel to push the bugger trap and all into a bag and dispose of it. Knock on wood, say a prayer, wish me the best, keep your fingers and toes crossed, but so far I haven't seen any more trace of my dreaded nemeses.
As the months started to get a bit cooler and the rains got heavy, guess what I realized I had a mouse. Well I am a woman, surely I can handle a mouse. What did I do in the past you ask? As much as I hate to admit it, my mom actually had to come help me the last time as I was nearly beside myself with anxiety. This time however I was DETERMINED that I could best a little field mouse. Thankfully I never actually saw any actual scurrying that probably would've been my undoing, I just found some shredded grocery bags and a few droppings and knew I had to catch this guy before he got into my food pantry.
So I set the traps that very night and the next morning lo and behold I heard the trap get set off, now here ensues the hilarity if it can be aptly described that way. It probably took me a full hour to get rid of the now deceased unwanted house guest. I would open my cupboard door under my kitchen sink only to see it there and slam the door shut again shaking all the way down to my toes. I went so far as to try to open the cupboard door using nothing but my fireplace poker but couldn't get adequate leverage to accomplish it. So with much ado I finally was able with the aide of the fireplace shovel to push the bugger trap and all into a bag and dispose of it. Knock on wood, say a prayer, wish me the best, keep your fingers and toes crossed, but so far I haven't seen any more trace of my dreaded nemeses.
Beginning....
Please be patient with me, this is my first attempt at blogging and really I'm just looking for somewhere to post all the big thoughts in my mind. I tried to use twitter but I'm not sure that format is the right one for me and venting/voicing all my frustrations and trials on facebook doesn't really appeal to me either. Sometimes things happen that are deeply personal and sometimes you don't really want your mother inlaw or other extended family reading all your private thoughts. So here I am!
Let me start off by stating the obvious, I am a military wife. I have been married to my active duty husband for heading on 12 years, we've been together for 13 years already. When I met him he was just at the beginning of his career, 5 years in and we were both naive, young and so very much in love almost from the day we met each other. Today our life together is much different, much more grounded and strong, we are deeply committed to one another and our 3 children.
Right now I am in the midst of deployment #3 or #4 if you include his year he spent right after we married unaccompanied overseas. I realize I am more fortunate than some and less fortunate than others with regard to deployment schedules and I would never presume to speak for other military wives but these thoughts that will be expressed in this blog are mine. It is my way of getting off my chest all those things I am perhaps to embarrassed to share with friends and family and documenting for my husband to hopefully read someday to glimpse what it's like to live on my end of deployment and life in general.
So come in, relax, enjoy and if you're particularly mean spirited in your comments, realize I'll have no choice but to delete them. =)
Let me start off by stating the obvious, I am a military wife. I have been married to my active duty husband for heading on 12 years, we've been together for 13 years already. When I met him he was just at the beginning of his career, 5 years in and we were both naive, young and so very much in love almost from the day we met each other. Today our life together is much different, much more grounded and strong, we are deeply committed to one another and our 3 children.
Right now I am in the midst of deployment #3 or #4 if you include his year he spent right after we married unaccompanied overseas. I realize I am more fortunate than some and less fortunate than others with regard to deployment schedules and I would never presume to speak for other military wives but these thoughts that will be expressed in this blog are mine. It is my way of getting off my chest all those things I am perhaps to embarrassed to share with friends and family and documenting for my husband to hopefully read someday to glimpse what it's like to live on my end of deployment and life in general.
So come in, relax, enjoy and if you're particularly mean spirited in your comments, realize I'll have no choice but to delete them. =)
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