In the eye of the beholder.......

He has made everything beautiful in His time.

From the time of our births we are given cues to beauty even at a time when we don't have concept of language and comprehension of it's definitions. How many times have we seen the mother/father or been the mother/father who comforts a child with, "Aww, come here pretty baby" or some such variation. As children we will readily accept that we are beautiful when we are told we are, for example how many times have you complimented a child, yours or otherwise by calling them pretty or beautiful only to hear their response of "I know"?

So those of us who have suffered with some form of self esteem issue, one has to ask the question where does this come from. Movies, magazines, real world relationships, experience, time, cynicism, I think these all play a part of how we become detached from our previous belief in ourselves. I don't need to point out or illustrate my point too much with regard to what we see daily on our televisions, in movies and in magazines (and I'm not talking about Playboy or even Maxim here), we all know the messages these media influences send our girls and ourselves. We have Disney Princesses and Barbies and more recently Bratz dolls to help guide our daughters to reach the feeling of never measuring up an ideal and that's just the beginning of it.

I grew up 'the fat kid', I experienced any number of humiliating situations due to my classmates and the bullies at my school. I was picked on mercilessly, faux married to a boy just as unpopular as I was just because his name rhymed with mine and threatened to be beat up everyday after school. I was even sent to the principal's office because I was purposely and falsely accused to calling another girl swear words at a time when I would never have dared such behavior. These experiences aren't unique and I am not asking to be pitied merely painting a picture of things that can happen to people to rip off that mask that everything is perfect and they are beautiful as they are. As I grew older having to deal with all the boys I had crushes on not wanting anything to do with me or even ridiculing me was painful. My freshman year of high school I even had a boy ask me to be his girlfriend on a bet, I thought I would die of embarrassment but instead I would pour out my feelings into bad poetry and listen to heavy metal and make lots of really bad choices.

Bad choices can be just as damaging as having to endure taunts from your peers because then you turn inward and point at yourself and laugh at the fool you are while at the same time collapsing in tears. This for me was another bar to me ever seeing my own beauty whether it was exterior or interior. I went through a stage in my mid-late teens where I just didn't care or least let on as though I didn't. I broke hearts, I was wild, I acted with abandon and unafraid of the consequences but all actions have consequences and I paid for them in self esteem. Self loathing was a friend of mine.

Then there comes relationships and how we behave in them as well as how we're treated. I know that I had to see parts of myself that I would have rather stayed in some dark corner of a locked closet in the basement of my soul and when you have to acknowledge the lowest part of yourself it's generally a good tool we can use against ourselves to convince us we're unworthy of compliments and love and what is good in life. But there is also the influence of others upon us, the old tapes of our love lives, the things that echo in our minds in the dark when we can't sleep. They can follow us from relationship to relationship and God forbid we hear the same thing from the next relationship ect.

But here is where I want to change the direction of this blog. There is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that states, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" I would like to broaden this idea by saying, No one can make you feel beautiful and loved and worthy without your consent either. In therapy I was told I would not be able to be loved by others until I loved myself. It sounded crazy, how is it possible to love yourself without the validation and acceptance of others, I didn't understand it. But it is so true, God created us in his image and if you are a believer, how can you not see that we all possess beauty if only in the portion of us that mirrors our creator. We are the ones who hold the true key to beauty, google the word beauty and click on images, why are there so many different images show? Because truly beauty lies in the eye of the beholder and once you give yourself permission to see the beauty that lies inside yourself you can be able to accept what others see in you.

If you don't find that persuading enough for you I will leave you with these final thoughts. Exterior beauty is fading but what is inside has the potential to grow throughout your lifetime. If you want to workout your physique to make yourself beautiful on the outside that is healthy and good but do not neglect what is on the inside because being comfortable in your own skin and letting the world know by the way you treat yourself, that you are worthy and good is the best way to feel beautiful just being you. Be the beautiful person you want to be by giving beauty to those around you.

Conspiracy theories anyone?

I think this blog is particularly interesting given the date today September 11, 2010, the ninth anniversary of the terrorist attacks on the WTC, the Pentagon and the ill-fated crash of flight 93 in Pennsylvania due to the heroic efforts of the everyday members of society who happened to be passengers on that doomed flight. Because of the anniversary date I've seen many postings among my friends on Facebook, the internet, cable channels such as History channel, Youtube ect. regarding different possible explanations of what happened on September 11, 2001. I'll start off by first and foremost saying that I don't buy into conspiracy theories concerning 9/11 just so we get that out of the way. I merely use this example of what I will detail in the following paragraphs. What is the purpose, place and reasoning for having conspiracy theories in society in the first place? Where do they come from? Why is there so much mistrust of the government, the military and others in power?

First off I partially viewed a documentary on Youtube that was posted to a friend of mine's wall on Facebook because I believe in trying to see both sides of an argument whether or not I think I'll end up agreeing with it's subject. I don't think we can make informed decisions about things without weighing things out as much as is possible. I wish that I could remember and cite all the sources I've read after 9/11 to explain my position but I can't. If you are interested here is the link to the conspiracy documentary that I refer to above and will cite throughout this blog: . First off who produced this "documentary" using the word loosely? How do we know these are in fact, facts? Where are the named scientists speaking on camera and what are their credentials? How do we know quotes used are complete and in context? To me, the viewer, it reminds me of the brilliance of the arrogant jerk known as Michael Moore whose facts are dubious and filming practices allow the viewer to infer things not shown and believe the smoke and mirrors he creates with his filming style. Not to mention his misrepresentation as fact things that he manufactured for dramatic effect on his so-called documentaries, but enough about Michael Moore, that ego-maniac gets enough attention.

I have yet to see one real shred of evidence leaning me toward some mass conspiracy/cover up by our government. Here we have former President Bush much talked about and vilified. He is described as stupid and incapable of speaking intelligently. I can't say how many times I've heard him referred to as having less than impressive intellectual abilities. Yet, we the people are supposed to believe he's pulled off one of the most impressive hoaxes in recorded history over an entire nation and several (hundreds? thousands?) well known and respected scientists around the globe? Is he an incredibly brilliant evil genius or is he moronic? C'mon people you can't really have it both ways!

And getting back to the whys and hows of conspiracy theories, here I will explain my very own conspiracy theory for your consumption. My belief is that people a lot of the time refuse to accept the simplest explanation for things that in their minds are incomprehensible, example: Elvis Presley is the king of rock and roll, he couldn't possibly die and if he did in fact die he couldn't be stupid enough to die by drug overdose! He must have been murdered, he was the KING no freaking way it was simple as that, a king does not die that way! I'm not saying people actually verbalize it like that but I think to some degree their interior dialog might go along those lines even if subconsciously. Granted, there are real conspiracies that have come to light throughout history. It makes people skeptical and question everything, which is in and of itself good as it makes people think but when it's spoon fed to us repeatedly in the media, it becomes the norm rather than the exception and I just don't believe that is the case. The last piece of the puzzle I believe is the media and movies. Bad things done by the government (yes absolutely news worthy) are hyped up much bigger than the good stuff, just like hearing about a car crash rather than a kitten rescue.

Think about how many examples are available in Hollywood to bolster my point about subtle almost subliminal messages given by directors and writers in that industry. Let's see the following is a list of movies and my examples:

Transformers: The military vehicles turn out to be Decepticons which are the villains.

The Mist: Government experiment gone awry releasing monsters from another dimension

American Beauty: The killer ends up being a homophobic, abusive, racist, former Marine.

E.T.: The Government is out to get, kill and experiment on the alien.

Starman: Same as above

High Crimes: Military and government involvement in massacre of innocent civilians, one of the main characters goes around killing people to keep the conspiracy from coming to light.

Star Wars: The Empire is the ruling government and is both corrupt and evil.

Wag the Dog: A president creates a fictional war to deflect the public's attention from a personal scandal.

I think that there are so many examples of this in movies that I can't even come up with more for my list but seriously think about it. Think about the stereotypical military type from movies (not war movies or about specific war heroes) they are generally portrayed as stupid, hick, racist, abusive, unable to hack civilian life, crazy, homeless, dirty, violent...ect. Also consider how many movie plots are based on government experiments gone wrong, specially created troops, monsters, viral weapons ect.

There are clear examples of real conspiracies throughout history and yes governments including our own have conducted testing and such on our troops and even everyday citizens, but I believe, perhaps erroneously that it is a lot harder with the advent of the internet, cellphones and just the direct connect people have all over the world for these things to be likely of happening today without someone coming forward and blowing the whistle on the whole thing.

It's okay to ask questions, I encourage that, but do not allow your cynicism to make you unable to see the truth just because it's not exciting enough for you.

Gaming... seriously?!?!?! Yeah it's a game, it's supposed to be fun.

So I am admittedly a gaming geek, that's not to say that I excel or am an expert at them just that I've had a lot of experience playing, from D&D to the numerous iterations of games/consoles at home, to the ancient hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, to online MMORPGS. I say this to explain where I am coming from in the next paragraphs of this blog. It was a conversation a friend and I recently had with regard to gaming in general. Specifically he asked me about my past experiences with D&D and it got me thinking that regardless of the platform it was all pretty much the same stuff except when discussing MMORPGS.

Several years ago, my husband was getting ready to deploy and thought that starting a Toontown Disney account for our then 4 year old daughter would give her and I something to do together when we were bored. Little did he know how much I'd come to take over that account but then again, my daughter enjoyed it too. It was fun wandering the different zones and seeing familiar Disney characters roaming the "safe" area of the game. And here we come to the crux of this blog, why is that people take gaming so freakin seriously? Duh, are there deaths? Of course but then again what will it ultimately cost you to revive, mend, get gags, travel back to where you were, replay the level ect. ect. ect. and if you want to scream and moan about said death what will THAT cost you in emergency medical issues involving the massive heart attack you just gave yourself over the unholy conniption fit you just threw which made your blood pressure sky rocket?

Does it sound like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill? Think again, youtube is full of examples of this, don't believe me? Check out this link : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtvIYRrgZ04

Here is another example, when we used to play Toontown my daughter loved to watch me play and tell me where to go and dress my character ect. Once in a while when I felt that she understood how to play by herself I'd allow her to while I was making dinner or some other such thing. Remember this is a Disney game and she didn't even read yet when she was playing and for the most part she just liked feeling like a part of a group so here she was on a low level newb toon and she made the mistake of deciding to go into a cog building or place to fight which was well beyond her ability to handle on her own. And the 2 bigger toons who were with her took her up into the cog building to it's highest level said "goodbye" and teleported to safety while my child was left to cry and ask me why mommy why did they let me die mommy? It broke my heart. I wondered why people were such assholes to the extent that even the Disney name didn't invoke a sense of safety for my child.

I think therein lies the distinct difference between MMORPGS and say a nice clean game of monopoly that someone takes too seriously and throws the game across the room. In an MMORPGS you have no idea who is actually on the other end of the toon you are playing against because surely you wouldn't take your aggression from playing a real world game out on a real 4 or 5 year old sitting in your living-room or then again maybe you would.

It seriously kills my game playing buzz to be in a situation where here I am having fun jumping down the street (and yes I in fact LOVE to hop my toons around when I get the chance to)and I get someone telling me I'm not taking the game seriously. Or I do my best to heal/tank/bomb and get chewed out because of a group wipe. Honestly, I've actually two boxed tank/heals with 3 dps agro stealing mage/wizards and still kicked serious butt because well yeah I just rock like that. But why the buzzkill when the inevitable death or whatever misfortune should hit you during a GAME? Isn't the whole purpose of game playing to let off steam, to enjoy, to relax, to perhaps escape real life? Because seriously if I wanted to get my ass handed to me by a bunch of freakin faceless people whom I will probably never meet outside of Antonica, then why not just unplug, go watch tv and let my children and or husband dish out that little slice of happiness for me, instead of paying the monthly subscription fee to meet up with "Mr. Asshole" disguised as a cute half-elf named Stan.

Blah blah blah ect

Blah, that's how I feel tonight pretty much blah, it's been a couple of days since I spoke to my husband, which is fine actually more fine than I'm used to. I've become accustomed to not being able to speak to him sometimes upwards of 2 weeks at a time. I can't even remember the last time I heard his voice. I've kind of been bummed the last couple of days. I'm not really sure what it's about. I even got out today with the kids and walked around shopping with them for almost 4 hours (not that I bought anything) but normally just getting out and doing things even the mundane things like shopping will help to keep your mind occupied and your attitude in a good place. And I also find myself hating people again... I mean almost all people.

I think my feelings started a couple of days ago but were reinforced by a conversation I had with my daughter last night. She was talking to me about her school friends and how they had done some stuff to her that embarrassed her and made her generally unhappy. I then went on to talk about several of my experiences growing up and how sometimes even our closest friends will do stuff that hurt us. It's an unfortunate part of life and she specifically is in a difficult 3 way friendship which in my experience can be tricky to navigate.

Also, I think I'm kind of bummed by how it seems that people over look me. And I really hate to write about this because it sounds so pathetically poor me that it's just sad. First of all, my sister in-law hasn't called here even for one of the children's birthdays or to ask about her brother's deployment once in over 5 months of deployment. The last time I spoke with her was when I called at Christmas time to wish her and the family a Merry Christmas. She's also failed to email or return my calls or even say anything on facebook. I don't get it, I've never done a thing to her and at the risk of sounding slightly jealous, I don't understand why she's so obviously in love with her husband's sister but could give a crap about my children, me or even her own brother especially since she only has the 1 sibling.

It's the same thing with people I'd call friends or who I suppose I wish would be friends, maybe that's the bare naked truth, maybe I really don't have very many friends. I don't really have many people I can open up to, perhaps 2 people in the entire world excluding my husband. I think I've always wondered what it is about me that makes me so forgettable. Even when I tried to tell my father in-law about how his son was doing, he sort of gaffed me off and said it'll get better when he's home. I hate to say it but WTF?!?! Why do I live in a world where no one gives a shit? I think/hope that I am a caring person who gives off positive vibes but honestly I'm getting to a place where I don't give a crap and I'd rather just say to hell with everyone than to bother trying anymore.

I was so thrilled to be moving back to this base because 4 years ago when I had last lived here I had met a phenomenal woman who had come to mean a lot to me. We maintained our friendship even from across the states, not talking daily but speaking every few months. She was thrilled or seeming so that I was moving back. Oh you've got to meet all the other girls she'd say, we're having a Twilight party, watching the movie and drinking bloody marys I can't wait until you're here and you can take part in the next one.... on and on this way it went. I want to introduce you to so and so, you have so much in common she's going to love you. What's the point of all of this? She's never once called me since I moved here and gave her my new numbers. She's invited me over once like 2 months ago and when I tried to reschedule for the following week or the week after that she just says we'll plan it another time. Once again not even an email or facebook message, nada, ziltch, nothing. And I know I'm saying what she hasn't done, believe me I've tried to call, I've tried not to seem too needy, I've tried to space it out. I've tried to send messages on facebook or whatever. I'm just at a place in my life where I don't want to have to stalk my friends and beg for their friendship. Shouldn't I as a person be worthy of pursuing on my own merit?

I'm sick to death of people, my aunt who calls to rant drunkenly and scream incoherently on the phone. My mother who calls to bitch and whine about her issues or give unsolicited advice without bothering to take the time to listen to me. My oldest brother who only calls to tell me how I should be there for other family members going through crisis but seems not to care overly much about how I or the children are doing ourselves. I love how my brother is so concerned and worried over my cousin who's husband is deployed.... HELLO??? remember me, I never saw you so concerned over me in the past or even now... oh poor her. WOW! I'm always the great listener, the great advice giver, I guess I'm just not that interesting when I'm the one with the problems or the sob stories to tell.

I feel like I can't cut a break. I feel like I'm drifting on the wind and being left to hang out to dry in it. I don't know, but I know me and I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to live in the dark so I know I'll find my light eventually.

Heavy hearted

I haven't written in a long time and so much has been going on both personally at home and overseas with my beloved. I'm not even sure how to express all that I'm thinking about right now. It seems like my children have been one big sickness after another and every time one of us is well another of us is down. I've been up to the hospital for one appointment or another 7 times since November. Fortunately, my youngest daughter seems to be in a good place for the moment, there is some concern that her eyes that were surgically corrected 2 years ago may need another realignment as she still has problems with it but that for now seems to be in the near to distant future and for the time being I'm choosing not to focus on that but rather the day to day.

It seems funny to me because I haven't written in a while and when I set up this account I was so go gung-ho, fully believing I'd write every day if not numerous times a day and yet it didn't take long for me to neglect it. I think primarily my reasoning was I am a very optimistic person by nature and when things get tough I rather keep it to myself than whine about it. I like to try to keep things lighthearted and full of laughter because I think that is in general the best medicine. But right now I'm at a total loss.

I have spent the last few weeks in an up and down pattern. One moment I'm feeling good about the future and the next I'm having tremendous doubts. My husband who has been in the service nearly 19 years is currently thinking about the possibility of retiring, he's had a hard road of things on this deployment that leaves him feeling like he's failing for the first time in his career. It's difficult for us spouses at home to hear these things from so far away with the knowledge that there is nothing we can offer. It broke my heart to hear him so disheartened and feeling so chewed up and spit out by his command. It's been at least a dozen years since I've seen him express these types of feelings and it's hard. I want to say to him go ahead retire we'll figure it out, but the reality is we have long thought we'd stay in at least another 5 years because as of right now our children are still small and 5 more years would put us in an excellent place for retirement financially. And now I feel like all my careful planning and my frugal spending habits are for naught and that our future is going to be hard given the state of the current economy and the fact that we'll have to repay some portion of his last re-enlistment bonus if he gets out early.

So as you can tell there are a lot of heavy issues on my brain right now as the above is just a portion of the pro/con conversation I seem to have with myself daily. My heart says get out and stay with us, especially with another pending deployment slated for next year. My brain says stick it out, make our plans reality. We've got grown up responsibilities, sometimes stuff sucks on the job regardless of your chosen career path. And I sit here in the knowledge that I can not have any kind of meaningful conversation with him regarding any of this until he's back home and we can talk face to face, which leaves me with these kind of pointless exercises in futilely arguing both pro and con with myself and keeping my mouth shut like a good little supportive military spouse. I don't mean to sound bitter by wording it that way, it's just the fact. If thinking about retirement gives him peace of mind where he's at right now there is no need for me to steal that sense of calm from him but right now it's at a cost to me. I never hold back when discussing things with him during deployment so this is a new chapter in my book.

I guess the good stuff is this. He sounds ever more dedicated to me, he's asked me probably 3 times since he's been gone to renew our wedding vows or take a couple vacation when he returns. He also speaks a lot about the things he wants to do with our children. And I suppose it bears mention that when I spoke to him last I made mention of something I wanted him to consider, he sent me a spreadsheet he'd worked on at work detailing his own list of pros and cons and had it worked down to our children's ages at different retirement dates. So clearly the man is thinking and trying to come to the best decision and I do admire him that. All in all, I guess I'll need to try to be more loyal to my blogging to at least purge some of my lengthy thought processes so I can come to him a little fresh and without all the weight of different thoughts weighing on me so I can be the wife he needs of me right now until he comes home in a couple of months.

Inappropriate laughter...

So here's my story, my husband sent an email one night telling me that I should get my oldest daughter and watch the video of the song "Home Again" by Queensryche. It's a beautiful song and quite touching, it made our daughter cry. It's a duet sung from the perspective of the military member and their daughter during a deployment. The video is also very emotional with actual photos from service members. Anyway, it's funny how many songs will bring you to tears during deployment. I remember right before Xmas break I was driving the children to school one morning when the radio DJ played a song called "Dear Santa" about a little girl asking Santa to bring her father home on his sleigh for Christmas. Talk about tears, and then it didn't help that both of my younger 2 children latched onto that song and would sing it around the house. Also during that local broadcast, because we live near to a base there was inserted into the actual song, snipets from overseas from actual service members wishing their families back home a Merry Christmas, so at the risk of crashing your car through your tears you wouldn't dare change the radio station JUST IN CASE! ;)

After giving you all the background, I will now explain the title of this post. We've listened to these types of songs a lot, even break up songs remind us of how much we miss our father/husband. So imagine my utter astonishment when while playing the above mentioned "Home Again" for my kids today, I burst into nearly uncontrollable fits of laughter. All my children looked at me like Mom's done lost her mind! "What's so funny?" my oldest inquired but I was too busy with my giggle fit to be able to respond.

Finally it hit me how wrong it was to be laughing (not that that made me stop), I was laughing at the lyrics to the song and how much they sort of didn't match the person for whom we were listening to it in the first place. Much as I love my husband, I think he'd be the first to admit to you that he isn't exactly the most romantic/sensitive soul on the planet. And one particular lyric made me completely lose it. It's where the singer says something to the effect "I'm thinking of you, making plans for when I am home" I LOVE IT.... collective AWWWWW please.

Here is my reality the first combat deployment that my husband returned from, he came back 2 days after our 5th wedding anniversary. If I have forgotten something he did for me upon his return than I owe him an apology but I don't remember even a simply bouquet of flowers. I know at that time I also presented him with a several thousand dollar check worth the money I'd been able to put away for US while he was gone. I had been hoping for a romantic getaway with him, but instead he told me that after so much traveling he just wanted to stay home. I consider myself understanding and I didn't get ticked off about it only I wish we could've had that romantic trip.

The second time my husband came home from Iraq he arrived home the day before my birthday. I considered him the biggest birthday present I could ever have hoped for or gotten, it still rankled a little that 3 days after my birthday he was insistent on going to pick up his brand new Harley Davidson he'd purchased while deployed while at the same time, failing to even run to the grocery to get me a card. More recently he was in the field for a month right before this current deployment and returned home 2 days after my birthday, once again no cake, no card.

He is the sweetest man really and I never doubt his love for me, he shows it in other areas and I could never imagine my life without him. In fact I hope this doesn't come off as a complaint because he is truly wonderful and has also done beautiful things while he's away, flowers when I've given birth with beautifully worded cards attached, balloon bouquet and singing teddy bear for our daughter's birthday ect. It just struck me as completely funny when I heard that song earlier and you know there are so many times for tears in this life and even if at times I laugh at inappropriate times, I would prefer the laughter. So thanks honey for the giggles and I apologize if they were somewhat at your expense. ;) Love you baby.

Coping, coping skills and the liar you become

I hate, detest, abhor lying! I am not wired to be a good liar, I think people can read me, those who want to take the time to anyway. But something I am coming to realize and acknowledge in my life is that people can easily see exactly what they want to see. I hear so many "atta girls" that sometimes I want to scream in frustration. At the same time, I guess all those drama classes I took in high school paid off so much so that my father in-law recently praised me for my aplomb and "exceptional thespian skills" for my seeming calm under any circumstance, including deployment. Thespian skills, this term got me thinking, it's just a fancy way of saying that I'm putting on airs and basically I've become an adept liar something I would never have thought to describe myself as.

Some days I feel like every smile is a lie. When I talk to my in-laws and paint this rosy picture of the put together woman, wife and mother, I wish that I could truly be honest and that's why I started this blog, to finally find somewhere to be real. Why is it that when you do have an opportunity or perhaps are forced to a place where you let that facade slip a little people feel the need to have an opinion about it? Recently I posted something on my facebook status about deployment plain and simply sucking. I do not regret nor do I take back that statement, it is truth, it is MY truth. But I get asinine responses that I should be grateful that my husband is doing something truly worthy with his life.

Well yeah, I am one of the proudest women you'll meet. I am full of pride for my husband knowing he sacrifices something that I could never have, that he believes in something bigger than himself and gives up so much personally for it. He has a great deal of integrity and is one of my personal heroes. That said, it still sucks!!! I love him, why wouldn't it suck that he's deployed. And I'm not some fresh married 17-18 year old, I've been at this a while, I have a right to state it when I feel the pressures of deployment weighing me down. I have birthed 2 babies during deployments. It is merely by the grace of God that my husband was able to witness our youngest child born, so yeah I think I've earned my right to complain.

So it becomes easier to simply say "I'm fine" when asked how you are because sometimes other people's commentary does far less good than they intend. The truth is I cope, one day at a time. My kids keep me busy but still I find I have far too many moments of sadness and depression and loneliness especially after going through the holidays as a single parent. And I don't say this lightly because what I hate more than anything is to sound like a whiny little wimp of a woman who can't cope. I DO cope but part of that coping is to be HONEST about what it really feels like to be me and I really need this venue to just put it out there.

Sometimes I rationalize to myself that people such as my immediate family or close personal friends can't really handle the reality of seeing me in pain or hurting, they feel they lack the words. They want to solve my problems or tell me to just look at it another way, as though I haven't tried to see my situation from every conceivable angle. I don't knock them for this, I understand it but in the same token sometimes we can't fix things, they have to work themselves out in time and sometimes all that's really needed is a shoulder and someone to lend you an ear. I understand this reluctance because I have also experienced it from the other side in different situations. As an example when my father passed away I remember wanting to talk to anyone who would listen about the difficulty of losing my father, but now sometimes when I hear someone has suffered a similar loss I find myself at a loss for words of comfort. I do try to offer a shoulder but I feel sad that my words fail me at those moments. I think human beings have a hard time dealing with the depth of pain and would much rather gloss over life and live in a blissful ignorance of other people's pain and that may be an over simplification but I just sometimes see the world that way.

So once again I am relegated to the "I'm fine" commentary, the mirthless laughter, the fake smiles and the broken heart and sadness in my soul. So thank you blog for giving me a place to write it all down without judgment.

Me vs the mouse.

Here is the blog where I try to bring everyone up to speed on this current deployment. My husband deployed for Afghanistan in October. Anyone who knows me can attest to these facts 1) I hate/am afraid of mice and 2) it never fails that when he leaves one always manages to invade my household. I have asked him repeatedly to stop giving the mice intel on his deployment schedules but that has all been in vain. Those little rodents seem to have really fantastic recon skills.

As the months started to get a bit cooler and the rains got heavy, guess what I realized I had a mouse. Well I am a woman, surely I can handle a mouse. What did I do in the past you ask? As much as I hate to admit it, my mom actually had to come help me the last time as I was nearly beside myself with anxiety. This time however I was DETERMINED that I could best a little field mouse. Thankfully I never actually saw any actual scurrying that probably would've been my undoing, I just found some shredded grocery bags and a few droppings and knew I had to catch this guy before he got into my food pantry.

So I set the traps that very night and the next morning lo and behold I heard the trap get set off, now here ensues the hilarity if it can be aptly described that way. It probably took me a full hour to get rid of the now deceased unwanted house guest. I would open my cupboard door under my kitchen sink only to see it there and slam the door shut again shaking all the way down to my toes. I went so far as to try to open the cupboard door using nothing but my fireplace poker but couldn't get adequate leverage to accomplish it. So with much ado I finally was able with the aide of the fireplace shovel to push the bugger trap and all into a bag and dispose of it. Knock on wood, say a prayer, wish me the best, keep your fingers and toes crossed, but so far I haven't seen any more trace of my dreaded nemeses.

Beginning....

Please be patient with me, this is my first attempt at blogging and really I'm just looking for somewhere to post all the big thoughts in my mind. I tried to use twitter but I'm not sure that format is the right one for me and venting/voicing all my frustrations and trials on facebook doesn't really appeal to me either. Sometimes things happen that are deeply personal and sometimes you don't really want your mother inlaw or other extended family reading all your private thoughts. So here I am!

Let me start off by stating the obvious, I am a military wife. I have been married to my active duty husband for heading on 12 years, we've been together for 13 years already. When I met him he was just at the beginning of his career, 5 years in and we were both naive, young and so very much in love almost from the day we met each other. Today our life together is much different, much more grounded and strong, we are deeply committed to one another and our 3 children.

Right now I am in the midst of deployment #3 or #4 if you include his year he spent right after we married unaccompanied overseas. I realize I am more fortunate than some and less fortunate than others with regard to deployment schedules and I would never presume to speak for other military wives but these thoughts that will be expressed in this blog are mine. It is my way of getting off my chest all those things I am perhaps to embarrassed to share with friends and family and documenting for my husband to hopefully read someday to glimpse what it's like to live on my end of deployment and life in general.

So come in, relax, enjoy and if you're particularly mean spirited in your comments, realize I'll have no choice but to delete them. =)